Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize