i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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