she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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