i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
