He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
