As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
