That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
