running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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