In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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