I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize