are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
