if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
