I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
