dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
