So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
