saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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