Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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