The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
