she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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