Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
