a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
