I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
