Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize