Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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