the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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