Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
