As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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