Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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