Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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