I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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