I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
