You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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