Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
