o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
