Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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