the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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