I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
