this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
