I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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