Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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