Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
