I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
