Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
