Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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