Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
