She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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