Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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