sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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