I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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