my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
