I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize