My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
