I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just want nice things and good sex
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
