Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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