Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
