somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
