the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
