I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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