im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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