I want to stick my p in your. b.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
