She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
