I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
