I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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