fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
