She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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