I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
