We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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