I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
