I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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